Why was the little shoe so unhappy? Because his mother was a loafer and his father was a sneaker.
Why are cooks mean? Because they whip cream and beat eggs.
Why did the driver drive over the cliff with his truck? Because he wanted to test his air brakes.
Why did the moron throw his clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly.
Why were the hairs so unhappy? Because they would soon be parted.
Why did the cow break through the fence? She thought the grass was greener on the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
Why did the man dive into a school of fish? He wanted to be a marine biologist.
Why did the man open the horses mouth? He wanted to see if the horse was a gift horse.
Why does the sun shine only in the daytime? Because the moon shines at night.
Why is there night baseball? Because people want to see bats fly.
Why was the man standing on one leg? Because if he lifted the other one he would fall down.
What did the cow say when she jumped over the moon? Don’t mOOve!
Why did the man in the wheel chair roll himself into the pool? Because he wanted to bob.
Which state in the United States is shared by everyone at the same time?
The State of Existence.
A man bought six fans of different sizes. He came home and set them up around his living room. A neighbor dropped by. “What are all these fans for? It’s not that hot!” This is my fan club.
I’m schitzophrenic and so am I.
Why was the bull upset? Because the cows didn’t come home.
What lasts longer than a man but doesn’t outlive him? His coat.
How is an insect like a person? Fly off the wall.
What is an experiment? An inconsequential discovery.
What’s a safe cracker? A cracker that doesn’t have too many calories.
How is a truck and feet alike?
They both have tows.
You don’t have to memorize the 50 states until your parents do.
When you fart in the bathtub, tell your mother your submarine needs repairs.
If you feed your dog a corn dog will he or she bark corny things?
What did the cow moo when the maid didn’t know how to milk her? “This is udderly ridiculous!”
How is time like a medicine bottle? In a little vial.
Mr. Pid, what is your first name? Stu. Thank you Mr. Stu Pid. If Mr. Pid were an Italian, he would be Mr. Stu Pido.
What did the tree say to the bird? Tweet off.
“Did your shoes die or is that your feet?” ANSWER: “Last week’s socks.”
Take nothing in your right hand and nothing in your left hand, what do you have?
How is horse feed and a composer similar?
Why did the ant walk up the hill?
Because she wanted to be ant hill.
Why are dentists so sad?
Because they’re always looking down in the mouth.
How are heaven and the bathroom the same?
How are heaven and babies the same?
(This riddle came from my father when I was a child. I did not know the answer.) Has no heart, doesn’t fart, but still wanders the world. What is it? A LEAF
What is an audible edible? A chicken.
What is a water vulture? A shark.
What is a safe cracker? It’s someone who’s stashed in the safe with door locked.
Why do dogs wag their tails? Because they have one.
How do you get a baby to sleep on a space ship? Rocket. (Sid The Science Kid/PBS)
Why did the cat sleep next to the ruler? To see how long he slept. (Sid The Science Kid/PBS)
Why did the baby otter play with only one friend? Because he didn’t want to play with the otter one.
HAND ME DOWN CHILDREN’S HUMOR
Why is there no such thing as a whole day?
Because every morning the day breaks.
Is there any word in the English language that contains all the vowels?
Which burns longer, a short candle, a long candle, or a stubby candle?
None of them, they all burn shorter.
Which travels faster, heat or cold?
Heat, because you can easily catch cold.
If there were twenty dogs running after one dog, what time would it be?
Twenty after One.
A penny and a dollar were sitting on a table. The penny jumped off the table. Why didn’t the dollar jump off the table?
Because it had more sense.
What wears shoes, but has no feet?
Why is a calendar so sad?
Because its days are numbered.
How is a person stranded on an island like a consumer?
They’re both looking for a sale.
Why do they call him “Mumps”?
Because he’s such a swell guy.
Sign in a restaurant window:
DON’T STAND OUTSIDE AND BE MISERABLE, COME INSIDE AND GET FED UP.
Sign on a men’s store window:
FIFTEEN MEN’S WOOL SUITS, $150.00
They won’t last an hour!
Sign on a turnpike:
DRIVE RIGHT SO MORE PEOPLE WILL BE LEFT
How is Europe and the bathroom alike? European (You’re peeing)