Humor Out of My Mind


Dear Globules:  This is just the beginning….keep checking….it’s all original stough, if it isn’t, I credit it.

I broke a mirror the other day, but I’ve already had my seven years bad luck.

Nurses need more Calcium and Vitamin D because they’re nursing.

John Doe had an identity theft.

If fat men are refered to as chunking, then fat women are chunkqueens, or should that be applicable in the gay world.

There he goes!  Who’s that?  I don’t know, but there he goes.

If your spouse comes home late from work….Time for the news(noose)

Kindly remove your testis from my presence.

Basketball terminology……..immolatus est

When a skeleton sits up and the jaw drops and starts screaming, does that mean he has dental pain? or  No dental plan in the funeral contract?  Why don’t teeth fall out when the corpse rots?

There is excess atmospheric pressure in Idaho due to potatoe flatulence.

Hasta la vista/hasta manyana/hasta luego/hast go to the bathroom.

Why don’t you climb in your head and go nebulous.

Wet farts in a tighty whitey,

Fly in my tea(MIT)

I think I’ll go Goyem tonight; a little Goya Pineapple soda, a little Goya Coconut soda, and a little Jamaican whatchamacallit.

How many Pollacks does it take to hold up a Pole?  It depends on how drunk he is.

Jane Doe had an identity theft, too.

According to the art world black and white are not colors.  All these centuries blacks and whites thought they had a color problem.  As far as I can perceive only Asians and Indians qualify as colored people.  Maybe the Hispanics…they’re olive-skinned.

I broke a mirror the other day. Really, honest, I did.

Be grateful for people who fart outloud.  It’s the quiet ones that kill you.

Someone who has a cold is downloading.

Do you belong to any of these groups?  Cataholics, Protest Ants, Epissedcopaleans, Juice, Highseedem, Boo-dissed, Hint-dues, Ah-knee-missed, Lou-tor-ann’s, Orthodocs, Ma’s-lamps, Pentupcoastals.

What’s a fool?  Someone who gets fooled or someone who gets fueled?

A student went into the Yeshiva and looked all over for Shiva but couldn’t find him.  He went out and brought back a Hindu friend to help him out.  His friend searched high and low.  “So, where’s he at?” asked the student.  “Dunno, I guess he don’t like no schools,” answered his friend.  The student shrugged, ” Shisha, Shema, Shiva, Sheva, Shmona, Shihtzuh, what’s the difference?”  They later decided that Ye Shiva might mean No Shiva. When they discussed it with their Lutheran friend, he insisted that Yeshiva means Shiva exists.

Next time someone’s walking down the corridor and they fart, comment out loud, “What do you think this is, a wind tunnel?”

“No! No! Edna! You have it all wrong! Mr. Black is white and Mr. White is black!”

Here’s one I heard from my Podiatrist:  How’s a sneeze like a honeymoon?  Gesundheit! (read it slow)

Would you please stop breathing and take up residence in the cematary?  Since you didn’t earn much money in your lifetime, use an urn.

COME-ON LINE:  What’s your name?  Awe! Come on! Tell me!  Is it April? No.  Is it May? No.  Is it June? No.  Is it Julia? No.  Is it Augusta? No.  Well, when you figure it out, give me a call.  (hands her his phone number)

There should be a career out of washing socks!

Person farts:  Your comment…. Testing for Nasa, are you?    Taking readings for the weather bureau?  What’s the wind velocity today?

Peemarks……..prejudiced remarks

A Jew from Alabama walks into a cafe in Jerusalem and orders a cup of coffee.  He looks over to the waiter and yells, “Mo shugah!”  The waiter yells back, “You calling me a meshugena?  I’m not coming over there!”  The patron rolls his eyes heavenward and whispers under his breath, “Israelis!”  (Meshugena in Hebrew means dummy)

Hospitals are like automotive centers where you get parts(new and used) and repairs.

Cemeteries are junkyards.

Cemeteries are very quiet because people are exhausted.

Egyptians are so self-centered that even in death they’re all wrapped up in themselves.

sea gulls = beach vultures

I am my brother’s sister.

breakfast-early
brunch-breakfast and lunch*
lunch-high noon
dinch-lunch and dinner
dinner-early evening
supper-late nite
snacks-anytime
*On Sundays it gets really crazy.  You can have brunch anywhere between 10AM and 2PM plus a cocktail in any given restaurant for a prixe fix.  Some places even serve brunch on Sundays till 4PM.  Let’s figure a Friday nite on the town:  you start with a late nite supper at around 10:30PM, you’re out partying all nite, you have breakfast at about 5:30/6AM, you sack out for a few hours, you get up and grab brunch around 2PM, then have a light snack around 6 or 7PM and hit the sack for a good nite’s sleep to head out to work at 4AM to beat rush hour traffic.  What rush hour traffic?  It’s Sunday!!

Russian Breakfast: 2 shots of vodka and out the door.

Who’s gonna take the garbage out?  That’s right!  Who’s gonna take the garbage out.

His widow is alive!

I would rather keep my opinions to myself and just tell you what’s on my mind.

I met my wife in a niteclub.  Oh! Really!  That’s nice.  What’s nice about it!  I thought she was home watching the kids!   –Jackie Gleason

For your information I am dealing with a full deck, it’s just that my Jokers are wild.

Who was the first president of the United States?
George Washington Bridge. (my father heard from an immigrant)

Which president freed the slaves?
Lincoln Tunnel

Who bought Manhattan Island from the Indians?
Henry Hudson River

Which president ended up in a wheel chair due to polio?
FDR Drive

Where do New Yorkers get their tulips?
From the Holland Tunnel

What did the Vietnamese wife say to her American husband?
You are so hanoing.

What do the Chinese call Godzilla?
Han Kong.  Where did he come from?  Korea.

The mudders down at the track need their fodder.

When you let someone know they’re crazy by circling a finger around your head, did it ever occur to you that you’re pointing at yourself?

What do you call a schitzophrenic nut case?  A mental institution.

FAMOUS “R” WORDS:  sodr   pianr  bananr  pizzr  windr  tomatr  potatr  oughtr  whenr  sawr  kistr  strawrberry  tobaccr  The R Father  gottr  pillr

I’m sick and tired of being a preconceived notion.

How do you expect to get ahead in this world without a head?

Join me in a bowl of soup?  No thank you, swim in it on your own!

IF Gov. Romney were a Jehovah’s Witness and he got the presidential seat, the White House would be Kingdom Hall.

Names that are rarely given nowadays:  Hedwig  Bertha  Patience  Polycarp  Edna  Ethel  Elsie  Mabel  Agatha  Constance  Hortense  Newt  Alphonse  Beasley  Hermina  Rodney Abigail  Mildred Buford Hermione Bugonia

G-d forbid there should be prohibition in Russia, there would be a massive revolution and it wouldn’t be just the Bojlsheviks.

We the People, condemn the Populace.

My father, the professor, used to say that beans are the most musical vegetables.

I love “recent studies”.  They tell you about things you would never know and change your knowledge on things you thought were gospel truth from previous studies.  Then again, one needs to stay open-minded for further studies.  We really can’t trust “studies” can we?

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Vatican.
Vatican who?
What ye can do with yourself.

When you want your husband to stay on top of things you simply have to walk right up to him and say, “Keep abreast of the situation!”

Where’s your car keys?
Where’s your carcass?
Where’s your car kiss?
You have your garage key?  (Say garage key quickly; it sounds Polish)

I was born without a memory.

He spends so much time on the toilet, he can have his own kingdom.

Dining with Dinur on your skin makes the dinner go smoother.

I have alien rights. I live in the United States.

Ish-kabible, Ish-kabop= Irish bible, no contraception

A sparrow lighted next to a robin.  “Hi! Bob!” he chirps.  “I’m Robin” responds the robin.  “Are you sure it’s not Bob?” “No! No! It’s Robin!”  “I could have sworn it was Bob!” chirped the sparrow as it flew off.

Two men meet for the first time.  “Smith,” says one as they shake hands. “Osgood,” says the other man.  “Ahs good, too, but what’s your name?” replies Smith.

What do you call it when they’re reborn?  Re-runs.

Who called?  Nobody.  Nobody called?  That’s right, nobody.  I could have sworn I heard the phone ring!

When you come home from a formal party and slip into your bathrobe, what do you call it?
Sudden Comfort.

Catholic sermons—-homily grits

This world is infested with humans!

ISTANBUL(ishtan  bull)   =    Hungarian nonsense!

Bartender:  “If you don’t like what we serve here, we can send out for balsamic vinegar.”
“If you don’t like our distilled spirits, we can substitute distilled vinegar.”

I need a job!  Part-time, Full -time, Over-time, Any-time.

How many lies a second are spoken on Earth?

Who’s gonna excercise?
Who’s gonna take out the garbage?
Who’s gonna feed the cat?
Who’s gonna make the bed?
Who’s gonna do their homework?
Who’s gonna……
That’s right! WHO is gonna do all that!

The road sign says BUMP AHEAD. (bump a head)  Can I use yours?

Tickertape parades may cause lyme disease.

H.B.I.C. = head bitch in charge

What did the shoelace on the Reebok say to the other shoelace?
I’m tied to be fit.

Bad enough they raise Cain, but do they have to raise hell, too?

You know what’s wrong with this world?  Too many holes!

A couple comes home from Sunday services.  The wife says to the husband, “I’m gonna make us some dinner.”  He replies, “I’m gonna do me some gardenin.”  A few minutes later he rushes in and asks, “Have you seen my hoe?”  The wife looks him squarely in the eye and replies,  “I haven’t seen your hoe.  You didn’t bring one home last night!”

The sign over the crucified Jesus reads incorrectly.  It should read IN RIO.  And there he is, bigger than life!

Have you ever tried heeling yourself?   Here boy!

A couple has another couple over for dinner.  While their having cocktails the wife comes in bearing appetizers.  The friend turns to his host and says, “Move your energy over, here comes the force!”

They were having problems with fares way back when…. How fare thee?  Fare thee well!

No number on Earth has been put on sale more than the number 4. (4-sale)

Doctors should prescribe pain killers to all their patients and make their jobs a lot easier.
Except for the chronically ill, hospitals would be a beehive of activity.

My mother is a good driver!  She drives people crazy!

Gorilla chip.

If you loose your goat , my mother can get your goat.

CANINE VOCABULARY:   arf, bark, bow-wow, how-how, guff, ruff, grrr, yip, woof

Something I read in a Virgo horoscope: “You need to be free from the parts of your mind that try to cook you.”  (I’m not a Virgo)

“Who’s that?”
“It’s me, stupid.”
“Who’s me, stupid?  I know a lot of people named Me Stupid.  Be serious!”
“I can’t possibly be Serious.  It’s me, stupid!”

I’m not a well woman.  I have running water, a plumbing system.

Italian disease:  Mafundsalo. (my funds are low)

Moses went up the mountain and asked the voice, “Who are you?”  “I am!”  said the voice.  Some Black Man bounced up the mountain, “Who dat?” he inquired.  “I is!” said the voice and the Black Man jumped off the mountain.  Moses shrugged his shoulders and continued conversing with the voice.
+++++++++++++++

Back at camp, Aaron asked the Black Man, “What’s he doing up there?”  He’s talking to a voice.  The people overheard this comment and started ripping their clothes and grabbing their heads.  “All is lost!”  they cried.  “Moses has gone mad!”  they sobbed.  Aaron looked at the Black Man and asked, “Did you hear the voice?”  “Who me?  No! No! I didn’t hear nothin’, nothin’ at all!”
++++++++++++++++

After that tremendous revelation  on the mountain , every time someone knocked at Moses’ tent flap, he would shout out, “Who dat?”

People who love Thai food have Thai food fever.

Born again Atheist
Reformed Atheist
Conservative Atheist
Liberal Atheist
Orthodox Atheist

I have an oral problem;  I talk too much!

I want a fat lady to sing at my funeral, because, you know,  it’s not over till the fat lady sings.

Can’t Stand People Society

JOKE:
Freshman year I signed up for Psychology 101.  I decided to take a briefcase to class.  When I took out the underwear, the professor used me as an example.

Maybe the following has been said or written somewhere or maybe I read it somewhere, but they came to mind:

Knock!  Knock!
Who’s there?
Moses.
Moses who?
Mo sez don’t bring the children.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Abraham.
Abraham who?
Eh! Bro! Ham it up.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Jesus.
Jesus who?
Gee, just what I wanted.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s ther?
Seti.
Seti who?
Set yee down.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Sarah.
Sarah who?
Say, “Rah! Rah!”

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Seize your day.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Caesarina.
Caesarina who?
Scissors in a hurry./Sez you’re in a relationship.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Elizabeth.
Elizabeth who?
Eh! Liz! I bet on you.

Moses had so many children he opened a camp and to this day there are camps for children all over the world.

I didn’t get married because I don’t want my husband to commit adultery.

Prince Harry wasn’t naked.  He was wearing the emperor’s new clothes, very expensive threads.

Great things about having a big stomach:
1) Your face is protected if you happen to slam into a wall.
2) You can see farther ahead.
3) When you lie on your stomach, your arms and legs are off the floor—-automatic
push-ups.
4) You can keep people at a distance when conversing with them.
5) People will always leave food in the servers for you.

In the U.S. we shorten everyone’s name.  Lazy tongues that wag too much.  Every Joseph is Joe, every Michael is Mike, every Laurence is Larry—the only ones that don’t change are the Johns.

A man walks into a furniture store….
Customer:  I’m shopping for a safe bed.
Sales Associate:  We have a large selection of fine bedding sir, but you will have to find   your own means of contraception.
Customer:  That’s not what I meant!  Do you have a mattress with a safe hidden in it?

I have sad news:  The mold on my shower wall passed away.

When my mother shoots her mouth off, it’s like the Prussian Army attacking.

If Mitt Romney is elected president we will have bull fights on Capitol Hill.

Did you know that people can speak Latin at the dentist’s office?
Agrippa the chair.

People are one of the world’s smartest breeds.

Are we gonna take some more on?

Explain my budget:  My financial tensile has just reached the snapping point.

Ass = excretion unit
Assh— = excrement departure system

My brother is not a stick in the mud: he is a log in a bog.

Take a friend or family member to the card shop while shopping and choose a card.  Give them the card and say, “Read it now so I don’t have to buy it.”  This method also saves time.  The great thing of it is you’re both there in person and you don’t risk identity theft with a signature.

The Three Muskateers had an expression before they would go on a mission.  They would cross swords and say “All for one and one for all!”  What if D’Artagnan had come up with something like this, “All for nothing and nothing for all!”

If you would ask a woman out for the first time, would you take her to a concert featuring Mozart’s Requiem?

I’m agnostic.  I have no political persuasion.

One commuter says to the other commuter, “You’re not wearing a tie today.”  “Yeah! I know,” was the reply.  So the first one says, “Let’s go to a bar and tie one on.”

It’s not over till the crow sings.  Crows don’t sing.

Keep up with the flow.  Why?  What if I wanna keep up with Nancy?

President Ronald Reagan was known as “The Gipper”.  If he had gotten a little dog, it would have been known as “The Little Yipper”.

Lots of people smash their faces at a bar.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the stupidest one of all?

When your sister sends you into laughter it’s called “sisterics”.

This guy walks into a bar in Tel Aviv and says to the bartender, “I might die getting bombed tonight.”  The guy sitting next to him turns towards him and says, “I could get bombed at home, but I don’t like to drink alone.”

The Vatican holds a circus.  Here’s how I see it…
The Pope is the ringmaster of a three ring circus; his name is Ponti.  On his extreme left are the American Cardinals.  In the middle ring are the Italian Cardinals and on his extreme right are the Russian Bears.  The nuns are riding bareback and the Jesuits are jumping through flaming hoops.  The German and Austrian Cardinals are clowning around.  The French Cardinals are applauding politely.  “Hopla!”

I can’t be a standard candle, my brightness fluctuates.

This man received a wooden eye to make him look less frightful. (In olden days they made wooden eyes and wooden teeth.) His doctor urged him to go out and socialize.  “You’re a young man, go find yourself a nice girl.  You look just fine.  Don’t be so self conscious.  Give it a try.”  So he went down to the dance hall and took a seat by the wall.  He watched as one gentleman after another would ask the girls to dance.  Finally he spotted a girl sitting all by herself in the corner.  He got up his courage and decided to ask her for a dance.  He walked down to where she was sitting and said, “Miss, would you like to dance?”  “Oh! Would I!” she replied.    (as told to me by Joe S.)

Whatr you doin?  Well, when I find out, I’ll tell you.

Did you get up on the wrong side of your wife’s bed?

What’s going on? I’ll get back to you.

How am I going to do it?  You’re asking ME!

A venerable old Japanese man claims that rice strained through a dirty old sock makes for better Saki.

The life guard jumped into the pool to save me.  I was having a breast stroke.

I have a life-threatening tissue.  If it goes down my throat I could choke to death.

Shame on you!  For what?!  You’ll think of something.

I have a very expensive pair of moth-eaten gloves.

It’s so nice to be with you.  Thank you, but tell me, which cell* are you occupying?  (*biological cell in the body)

Someone farting in your Living Room?  Politely ask them to remove their rocket.

Every kiss begins with KAY. (KAY Jewelers) ” Can I kiss you?” ” O-kay.”  Now kiss.

If a black cat walks under a ladder, does the cat have bad luck?

O’ Finally….. Irish name?

“Go ahead!  Run away!  Find a rich boyfriend.   He might knock some sense into you, but he won’t give you his dollars!”

Police Officer:  We have a missing body.
Detective:  Coffin-up.
(cough him up)

A friend visited the newlyweds.  “I see you haven’t straightened things out yet.”  The bride quipped, “He thinks he has a maid.”
(He thinks he has it made.)

Are you committed?
I haven’t read the insanity clause yet.

NICE GERMAN FAMILIES
Herr Mich Rauf
Herr Da Fon
Herr Da Mit
Familie Von S’Haus Aus

How is a truck and feet alike?
They have tows.

What does the word “Yahweh” mean?
Ihamwhoham

What do you call a cremated Hungarian?
A czardas. (a charred ass)

Yo Yo Ma/Yo Yo Pa/Yo Yo Son

I think you were mentally undernourished as a child.

The parachute jumper….Has to preserve his body; he got jarred.

Don’t mind me, I’m poor!

You good for nothing spermatoid son of my father!

Agnostic Atheist

You low-down snake of a rat!

FLUFFSNOB=a small furry animal that acts snobby.

There should be a pizza parlor on every block so we don’t have to cross the street.

I heard the other day that Slovenians are older than hay.  What on Earth does that mean?  Whoever said that should be shot, quartered, and buried!!  I’m part Slovene and I would like an explanation.

I live in an ediface complex.

If we removed all the BS from this world there would be little left to discuss.

Let’s go down to the Bowery and ask someone if they’ve seen a flying ferret.

Are you deaf?  It depends.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE between A CHRISTIAN WOMAN AND A HINDU WOMAN?
A Christian decided to do her laundry.   The building had 2 washers and 2 driers.  She, being of kosher descent, would cleanse all the machines she intended to use.  When she was done she would go back to her apartment to get her laundry, supplies, and quarters.  Upon her return to the laundry room she gasped in her head because her Hindu neighbor had loaded the machines.  She went back to her apartment an unhappy woman because now she would have to wipe down all the machines again.

A Hindu decided to do her laundry.  The building she lived in had two washers and two driers.  She, being a kosher woman, would cleanse all the machines she intended to use.  When she was done she would go back to her apartment to get her laundry, supplies, and quarters.  Upon her return to the laundry room she yipped because her Christian neighbor had just started her wash.  She went back to her apartment mad as a hornet, because now she would have to wait.

A Jamaican landscaper had an outfit full of lazy men.  One particuler guy, named Mo, was especially lazy.  He would often idle his mower and sit under a tree.  One day the boss caught him napping.  He snuck up on the guy and in a loud voice said, “Mo! Man! Mow!”

When the dog’s away, the cats don’t work.

Larry on the “dead set.”  Some talk show!

An oxy-moron is a young, pimple-faced moron.

There’s a lot of dumb politicians out there; no one ever lets them say anything.

Hiatus – the interim period of non-canabial consumption.

Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong with your family, so I can get to know them better.

Don’t send people to hell, it’s too hot!  Send them to Siberia.  That’s why we have global warming, too many people in hell.

What kind of son does one get if the parentage is half Polish and half Greek?
A dumb wise guy!

“A hickey! Thou?”  Get out the Nehru jackets.

Don’t you have any friends?
No.
Why Not?
Because I’m deaf.
Well, don’t you have any deaf friends?
No, I can’t understand them either.

“I want some, so I bought some for you.”

Do you think that some day cats can grow tails long enough to strangle themselves?

Prince William:  “My kingdom for a horse!”
People: “Is it happening!”
William: “Not yet!”
People: “Then why do you need a horse?!”
Prince William:  “Her craving is on the other side of town.”

Slap me silly, are you serious?

Every red-blooded African male would like to be “King” of his own country.  That’s why they have so many children.

TUTANKHAMEN
Thank You Amen
TANK TU HAMEN

Kingdom Come= torrential down pour

Letting your teeth go on vacation?
Is that your idea of a fun time?

Would you like to have a ruptured spleen?

The guy said, “Trust me.”|
Now where on Earth am I going to find a truss?  Go to the hospital and get trussed.

I need an atol so I can have my own kingdom.

My mother’s Chihuahua, Maxi, barks “Son of a bitch, go to hell,” at almost everybody.

snow mail=there is no mail

You’re right, you know.
When you’re right, you’re right.  Right?
You’re right!

plague in Egypt…….bloody well

A regular guy didn’t like his name, so he went to court to ask permission to alter his name.  When the judge got down to business, he asked the man to state his.  “I’d like to change my name your honor.”  “And what is your name?” “John Stinky, your honor.”  “Well, I can see why you would want to change your name.  What would you like your new name to be?”  “Joe Stinky, your honor.”  “Why not change your surname?”  “Oh!  I like the name Stinky, your honor, I just didn’t like the John.”   (My Father’s joke)

My father’s nephew is my uncle’s son.
No! It’s the other way around.  My father’s son is my uncle’s nephew.
That’s not right either.
So, who’s son is he?
I don’t know.

Friend:  “Go to hell!”
Response:  “Why?  You wanna come with me?”

You need some Roentgen rays.

Red sox – White sox – Wet sox

I get more refined everyday. The same fines over and over again.

“But tomorrow is absolutely impossible!”
“What’s the matter? You busy with the harem?”
“It’s not that!  It’s just a bad day, that’s all!”
“Oh! I see!”

Do you know how to make “One a ton” soup or is it “What a ton” soup?

They say, “Cops eat donuts all day long.”  I say, “That might well be, but they leave the holes behind.”

She’s not my egg mother.

Hear about the guy who took his dog to a bar and the dog left the bar stooled?

HOW TOILET PAPER WAS BORN:
Once, walking in the woods, Eve found one of Adam’s discarded leaves.  “Recycle!” she chirped and tripped behind the bushes.

Who knows everything!

Weight room where you lift weights.
Weight room where you gain weight, kitchen.
Weight room in the maternity ward, munchies.

SPOUSE REMOVAL  –  free estimates

What did the cow moo when the maid didn’t know how to milk her?  “This is udderly ridiculous!

Do you enjoy walking with nuts?  I sometimes take them with me and put them in my pocket.  It’s good nutrition and they’re fun to chew.

“When you burp, you cheat on your ass.”  (My father)

CHEX cereal is gluten free.  I can’t have gluten free foods, because I’m building my glutes.

I’ve got to stop thinking; it’s getting chronic.

The cat’s dying!  Extreme Unction.  Call the priest!

Call the Rabbi!
Why? What’s wrong?
Nothing.
So why call the Rabbi?
He’ll make something out of nothing.

I’m gonna go to the gynecologist for a root canal.  I wanna check out my roots.

A man from Boston, Mass. went to visit a friend in Westchester, N.Y..  Upon arriving he heard sounds of revelry.  “Where’s the party?” he asked.  ” Well, I have one upstairs and I have one downstairs,”  he answered.

“Would you please come here?”
“When I get there, I’ll be here.”

Cab driver to passenger, “You people always know where you’re going, but no one ever tells me!”

There are “dunce” chairs all over creation.  We, on Earth, have special rooms called “bars” where the chairs are all lined up.

If I’m “a lost case”, how come there are so many files on me?

My father (RIP) and my podiatrist(RIP) wanted to open a nudist camp.  My father said he would put up a sign, “Pickpockets Welcome”.

Let us pray/Let us spray

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’m well fed
And so are you

“For a judge the road to hell can easily be paved with conceit and pompous pride.”        -Irving M. Bunim

If you retain a “wicked” servant they may soon become “indentured” servants, i.e., they will soon be wearing dentures.

I get pooped regularly; I end up in the pipeline.

The World Smells Foundation

So Harry sez to Sammy, “So sue me!!”  “Yeah! For how much?” reacts Sammy.  “The usual!” screams Harry.

“GET MORE!”   What is “more”?  Is it a product?  Is it a person?  Who is this guy?  Is he like Ralph Nader?

“You have any problems?”
“Uhuh, mother problems, finance problems.”
“Any other problems?”
“Nothing else seems like a problem.”

“What on Earth are you doing?”
“Whatever it is that we do on Earth.”
(ALIEN COMMENT: Sooo, we have a smartass planet out there.  O.K. That did it!)

When I take my hearing aids out, I’m sound proof.

O’ God. Do the Irish have to lay claim to everything or is this the Irish Almighty.  That means that we regularly call on the Irish God.  I certainly say O God plenty.

If you take nothing in your right hand and nothing in your left hand, what do you have?
Two hands.

I would like to see condolence cards for weddings, birthdays and promotions.

You have no idea what kind of breezes “Down Under” gets. (Australia)

Misfiled.    What’s her first name?

You can say, “O’ God,” on March 17th.

I know I have an Italian disease called Mahfundsrlow.  I’ve discovered that I also have a Hawaiin disease called Lackabody (I need speed!)  Now, I’m not married, so I don’t have to worry about Lackanookie.

I wreak!  Eureka! Yup!

G-d help us and the Lord, too!

I’m gonna kick myself in the morning!

You wanna have a ball?!!?!!  (…then hand them one of those little super balls.)

Let’s say Russia and the United States screamed at each other, ” So! You wanna piece of me?!  Come here and get it!”  SUDDENLY – Russia and the United States switch places.

You know, airline pilot’s insurances are sky high.

How is horse feed and a composer similar?
Berlioz

Kindly remove your testis from my presence.

There are two kinds of Franciscans:
MONKS:  a monastic life of isolation where the nuns come in once a week to do the floors.
FRIARS: a monastic life with an option for public service.
…The monks whispered, “There are no nuns.” I’ve come to the conclusion that the nuns lost their habits and are now monks.
…Friars bus the “wicked” school children up to the monastery and boil them in oil for their Sunday feasting.  Now you know why they’re short and fat.

Dreyfus…drei fuss…three feet(human)

manwo=a woman who looks like a man.  Watch out for those manwos.

sister-mister=a no nonsense woman

You’re a freak accident of nature!

“THE WORST MAN ON EARTH!”      There are a lot of those.

“Kill them with kindness.”   THOU SHALT NOT KILL!!

If it’s a bull it’s “der milch”.

How is sleep, fish, music, and changing a tire similar?
When it’s tuna half hours.

BMW = British Motor Ways

Have you ever spanked your tongue for saying bad words?

An alcoholic goes in for eye surgery and asks the surgeon, “Will I be able to see high ball to high ball?”

The husband squeezes in an aside to the eye surgeon as his wife is wheeled away, “Please make sure her eye lashes are straight or I’ll get a tongue lashing.”

A patient jests with the eye surgeon after his operation, “Can I have a spare eyeball in case this one falls out?”

A patient finally gives in to his eye doctor’s prompting for cataract replacement. “O.K.,” he says, “but please don’t knit my eyebrows!”

ACME match box cookies.

If you have a spouse who is a side seat driver, if you go to England or India have them drive.

Half a nice day!

Walk up to the maternity window in the hospital and say, “Nu!”

When two gay dogs found out about Noah’s Ark they looked at each other and said, “Let’s go!”  Halfway up the ramp they demonstrated their love for each other and Noah waved them aboard.  “Yip! Yip! Hooray! they yowled, “We’re in!”  Some months later they had a litter.  Noah decided to get to the bottom of this intrigue.  As it turned out, the bitches had been sitting on them.

He’s so angry he’s burning his hair follicles.  Is that why he’s balding?

With females there is a “fee” involved.

Every hour on the hour is Irish…o’clock — every half hour is “dirty”.  You feel younger on the quarter hour…”teen” and you think you have a home on the three quarter hour…”fife”.

Bull eggs! You’re giving me a line!

It’s a synagogue only on Yom Kippur, otherwise it’s a temple.

Don’t eat too much sugar or you’ll be a meshugenah.

Another name for the White House = Casablanca

PENSKE….”pants key”

How is the bathroom and heaven alike?   Urine

Look people…once and for all…Horny Goat Weed means there are spikes on the plant; it does not mean that the plant wants to have sex!

If you are a daily swimmer, you can tell people, “I have a stroke everyday.”

Tonight I am going to the opera, Sophie Tucker (so viel tuckered)

“How are you?”  “I’m fined and you?”

PROFESSOR SYNDROME

S’no fun (It is no fun)

Pre-arranged funeral services…..We can fit you in.

“Eventually, that husband of yours is going to roam, and I don’t mean Italy.”(Bewitched:TV program)

“He was as attractive to women as sticks are to dogs: but he delighted in them more than any other vile man.”  (The Decameron: Giovanni Boccaccio)

Constipation     (constant patience)

In pacem skinytam

My brother is in the space program; he takes up space.

I wouldn’t want to be an eye doctor; I would have to hook up with an audiologist. (failed surgery)

What’s with the mad Russian?  Which one?  There’s so many of them!

HOLY BOVINE!

Is a “shiksah” like a rickshaw?

We’ve been having accumulated weather.

Fattys = disposal units

Adam did not have children with his daughters, only with his sons.(ancient joke)

When a collegiate has a date with a professor, does she get indoctrinated?

When a collegiate bombs out on her date with a professor, does she loose her faculties?

THE FLESH TONES  –   sounds like a great musical group with some fine tunes.

Infant discovery:  “I have another hole!”

“A stitch in time saves nine!”  If you’re hemmed in by time take the stitches out.

I am not deranged!  I have never lived out in the West or the Midwest.

Boss to employee:  “I’ve seen better news on a pig’s ass than I have on yours!”

Bus drivers water=vodka

TROUBLE AT THE BOARDING GATE

“Your brochure and sign say ‘NO CARRY ON LUGGAGE’.  This is rolling luggage and I never carry it.  If you won’t allow me to roll my luggage on board I’m going to call my lawyer.”

If I had money I would incorporate a small fleet of jets with “CARRY ON LUGGAGE ONLY” policy.  I would install trap doors in front of every seat with a lock for the luggage.  Fast On/Off flights, no baggage area hassles, coast to coast.  Maybe even get international rights with an instant set up for customs.

There was a group of men standing in front of the delicatessen.  The deli’s name was Norman’s.  My thought:  “Congregation Beth Norman”

Patient to doctor, “You must have a dairy farm, cuz you sure know how to milk a guy.”

I saw a sign—MEN WORKING—how about HUMANS WORKING or MANKIND WORKING

You’ve given a piece of your mind to so many people, it’s a wonder you have any mind left at all!

If someone says to you, “I can’t stand you!”, tell them, “So, sit down!”

If you can’t find a priest, call the plumber!

For someone who is pretty dumb, I’m not stupid.

Do people ever say to you, “I can’t take it!” or “I can’t take it anymore!”  Answer them “You should get permission first.”  or “At least you won’t be accused of stealing.” or  “If you take it, you’ll want to put it back.”  or  “If you carry it, you’re going to have to take it.”

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About Sonja Bukvic

Single. I'm fascinated by the mind. I absolutely love humor. I have a B.A. in Enlish Literature from Fairfield University. When I found Word Press Free Blog I was excited and I'm so happy to share with you. I commune with the Creator and am allowed to share certain bits of enlightenment. You don't have to believe, but those with Faith, take it quietly and seriously.
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