Tell me, do you have as much trouble cutting your toe nails as I do? It’s a monumental task, cleaning under the nail and pushing back cuticles. Do any of you have to come up and take a breath? Cleaning my toe nails sucks the air out of me. How about you? Then there’s the focus problem. Does one bring the head towards the foot or does one bring the foot closer to the head? Either way my eyes have trouble with the details. Tell me, do your toe nails grow slower than your finger nails? Mine do, thanks.
According to Lao Tzu’s words, “By non-action everything can be done.” Tell me, does that mean that everyone who goes on strike may be considered a Taoist?
I saw a garbage truck the other day: big letters on the side: ALL AMERICAN WASTE Tell me, how does this company handle foreign waste?
I saw a sign: Patient Parking Only Tell me, where does one park if you’re impatient? Come to think of it, I’ve never seen this sign in New York City.
Watch your diet! Watch your cholestorol! Watch your sugar levels! Watch where you’re going! Watch your step! Tell me, where can I get these special lenses?
They say it happens every afternoon. Tell me, are you out of it around 3:00PM?
When I’m in the dentist’s chair and the dentist hits me with -you know-, “Let me out of this chair now. I need to scream and run.” Instead, I grip the arms on the chair till my knuckles are white and in extreme pinges I raise my leg. Tell me, do you feel these things? Are you a leg raiser like me? Do you raise your arm, like the nice dentist told you to, if you feel pain? Do your eyes bug out or do they plead for mercy?
Tell me, are you a back slapper, a back patter or a back rubber? Or maybe you are a people squeezer? Tell me, do you ever hold people loosely because it’s the polite thing to do?
Tell me, why do I have the name SHE? My parents gave me a real name, so why am I referred to as SHE all the time? Tell me, are you a SHE or a HE most of the time?
I go for the cheap laundry detergent. I mean just get the clothes clean, you know. BUT NOW my clothes don’t smell clean. Tell me, are they recycling laundry detergent? A few years ago the stuff still smelled O.K. BUT NOW???? Well, I compromised. I use the cheap, smelly stuff with my whites and bleach(love that bleachy smell on my whites) and I had to upgrade to a more expensive brand for my colors. Tell me, are you having the same odor problems with your cheap detergent?
Tell me, when you open your kitchen cabinets do things jump out at you? How long have these doors been closed? How long since you used those things? Oh! Let me tell you about my spice cabinet. I need only one thing, right? No! Half the shelf comes flying out at me, “USE MEEE!!” Look guys, I don’t need all of you; just go back in there and stay there. Some make a second attempt. Well, so much for gourmet cooking.
Tell me, are you an ‘older’ child, i.e. middle-aged? Does your mother harangue you and blame you for things that you didn’t even know exist? Do her so-called friends love her more than you? Are you a total failure? Do you take after your father’s side of the family? Does she think your sibling is a “god”? Tell me, does that rare day come when she flings her arms around you and tells you, “I need you!” Do you check to see if she’s mad at your sibling? Chances are, probably. Tell me, do you remain good and not take advantage of this because you know she’ll remember? Do you love her with all your heart? Do you pray for her? Tell me, has your level of patience increased? Do you feel saintly at times? Let me tell you. My mother is the greatest person on Earth. She has helped me attain perseverence and countless other states of existence that otherwise would not be possible. I am a better person because of her.
Tell me, have you ever been stuck in instant traffic? What is this? You’re driving along and suddenly a big line of vehicles in front of you as you ease into the end of the line. You instinctively know you won’t be the last one in line for very long. Who died? Did someone die? Is this a funeral? Maybe there’s a parade! Accident? Construction? Maybe there’s a police officer directing traffic? Is it just slow traffic? No Way! It’s never like this. THEN- you reach the spot!-The traffic light isn’t working. Shouldn’t that actually speed up the traffic or is it the cross traffic that has the upper hand? Tell me, has this happened to you?
Tell me….What kind of a laugher are you? Do you keep your lips together and use your nose….the honker? Do you sound like you’re holding back a sneeze….the smirk? Do you part your lips and vibrate your epiglotis….the giggler? Do you bend over in barf position and rush air out of your mouth while making a loud noise….the gafaw? Do you throw your head back and show your dental work….the hearty? Do you try to keep a straight face while your stomach shakes like jelly and the tears come to your eyes….the restrainer? Do you simply crack a polite smile….the smiler? Are you one of those people who trained themselves not to laugh at anything just to force people into trying to make you laugh….the blank?(and then you go home behind closed doors and explode?) Do you just simply say, “That’s funny!” and not laugh….the verbose? Do you make a zerbit noise and spit a little through pursed lips….the spontaneous? TELL ME, which one are YOU!
Tell me; when you vacuum your carpet or rug do you get upset when the sucker doesn’t pick stough up, like feathers and threads? Are you like me? Do you start whisking that thing back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster with no results? Do you bend over and pick it up or do you try again, this time applying so much pressure your arm starts to hurt? Do you give up on it and continue vacuuming vowing that when you get back to the spot you’ll suck it up for sure?! When you do get back are you successful and let out a big whoop or do you get depressed because you have to bend down and pick it up? Do you turn the nozzle upside down and force the electric broom to swallow it. If you have an upright vacuum do you practically loose your hand shoving that piece of irritation up the sucker? Maybe your one of those that just bends down and puts stough in their pocket as you vacuum. Tell me, maybe you’re like me; I simply pick it up after a valient effort and leave it on the furniture to be picked up later. Sometimes I have stough laying around and don’t see it till days later. Oh! No! How could I forget THAT! Tell me, have you ever tried vacuuming glitter?
I wonder: How many humans on Earth are sick and tired of humans?
Tell me, have you ever gone looking for something and you searched all over and then you go back and look in the same places again? Are you like me? Do you doubt your eyes? Do you pose an argument with yourself saying that well maybe I didn’t see it the first time even though you KNOW damn well that whatever you’re looking for is not going to be in the places you looked already. But there you go anyway wasting time looking for that damn thing all over again. Tell me, are you ever late out the door because you’re looking for something. And furthermore, is this thing you’re looking for absolutely necessary for whatever you’ll be doing in the next hour or so or are you looking for something just because you remembered that you have to look for it and I better do it now because I’ll forget again. I really need my head examined, but how about you? Tell me, is my brain the only one that does this to itself?
Tell me, why is it that everyone thinks they are the only name in the world? If you know three persons with the same name, they’ll think you are referring to them, each one, individually, when addressing only one of them. Tell me, how does one specify even though one is specifying?
Tell me. why is it that when you come to a stop at an intersection you don’t trust the guy who is coming down the road . There they are signaling like mad, “I’m gonna turn left!” or “I’m gonna turn right!” Do we trust them? NOOO! Are you like me? Do you wait till the driver makes the turn before pulling out? I mean, what is it? This guy is gonna slam right into me. He’s not really gonna make the turn. He or she is just playing with me. Maybe not. Maybe I better be sure and wait till they make the turn. Tell me, are you like me? Sometimes I’m a daredevil and I zoom out. The law of Physics you know, distance vs. speed vs. time, but can one be sure of these factors? Oh! One more thing. Can someone please explain to me why people arc all the way to the left to make a right turn. Now’s the time to hug the curb!!
FOUR WAY STOP
Tell me, have you ever come to a four way stop sign and met three other cars arriving about the same time? Do you wait for the other drivers to make the first move? Are you one of those dare devils and just go? Do you show road respect and let the newest, nicest, most expensive car go first? I’m always surprised when they let me go first; I have a 1975 FURY. Are you old school and let ladies go first? Are you a nice person and let the senior citizen pull out first? Tell me do you get those high beams flicking on and off where the other driver insists that you go first or do you do the same thing and insist that they go first and it’s a symphony of high beam flickerings. Tell me, do you gingerly start easing out of the Stop, just to slam on your brakes because the other guy decided to go first? My favorite is where all four drivers just sit there and get to know each other before deciding who goes first. Just wondering, what’s your favorite Stop Sign scenario? What if there’s a motor cycle? O! O! NOW who goes first?
The US ate 550,000,000 cupcakes from February 2009 to February 2010. Tell me, is that just consumer retail sales or does that include church and school bake sales?
Tell me, have you gone all over the house a few times looking for your keys and they were in your hand?
Please tell me, have you ever looked all over for your cell phone and finally found it in your pocket?
Tell me, do your pets barge in on you when you’re sitting on the throne and leave the door wide open? There you are and “I can’t get up!” Even if no one is around, why do I not click the door shut?
Tell me, do people think you’re not human? I know I’m human, even if other humans don’t think so. I prove it all the time with something called MISTAKES. I don’t know-do aliens make mistakes? Do you know any? Tell me, do you know what I have to do to prove I’m human? I mean, is there a norm? I’ve got plenty of love, but that’s not it, is it? Please tell me, what do I have to do? Perhaps you don’t know because chances are you’re not human either.
Please tell me; when you loose something or misplace it, do you think that everyone you know took it even though no one was around? Tell me, do you remember having the item in your hands or seeing it, but now it’s nowhere in sight AND you can’t find it. Tell me, do you secretly tell everyone they have to put it back? Tell me! Are you like me? Do you get mad at everyone, then apologize when you find whatever it is you misplaced? Tell me, is this item usually exactly where you left it?
Tell me, do you ever knock things down sliding through a space because your butt is too big?
Tell me, do you wear hearing aids? Oh! Please tell me! When you sneeze, do the hearing aids fly out of your ears?
Tell me, does snoring keep you awake nights? Are you single? Tell me, do you sleep in a fetal position and still snore? I snore so loud it wakes me up. Let me tell you, it must be pretty loud because I’m hard of hearing. I wonder if the neighbors can hear me?
Please! Tell me! When you do the laundry do you come into sudden wealth? Does your pocket money suddenly feel clean? Do you come back to your dwelling area and find pieces of laundry strewed about that you forgot to put in the wash? Now you just might be one pair of underwear short for the week. How about that missing sock syndrome? Have you thought about looking under the bed? The couch? The shoe closet? The bottom of your laundry bin or bag? Tell me! Isn’t it the pits when you recycle tissue
in the wash. It’s not too bad if the tissue’s still in the pocket, but when it oozes out and covers the entire load in finely shredded paper, don’t you want to scream?! Shaking the laundry doesn’t help much. Then you hope and pray that the dryer sucks the tissue off. Some of it does, i.e. if the material is smooth. But what about that rough material, like sweaters? Ugh!! Tell me! How much of your life have you wasted picking pieces of tissue off your laundry because you forgot to empty the pockets?
Tell me, how do you put your socks on? Do you roll them down to the toe end with your hands and then slip them over your toes and work the fabric over your foot and up your leg? Do you stick your foot in the sock and just start tugging with all your might till your foot snuggles in? Do you haphazardly stick your foot in the sock without aligning it and then start twisting the fabric around on your foot till the heel is in the right place? Do you check your socks before you put them on to see whether it’s for the right foot or the left foot according to the shape the sock is in? Do you end up switching socks because the left foot now has a bulging tip on the pinky end? Do you keep your foot on the floor when you put your socks on? Do you raise your leg up in the air as you pull them on? Are you one of those flexible people who can swing the foot over the other knee and slip the socks on with your body twisted to one side? Maybe you’re one of those people that works on their balance and just hop around till the socks are on, sometimes stepping on the end of the sock and pulling it off because you lost your balance. Tell me. What do you do about holes? Do you check for holes before you put your socks on? If there is one, do you ignore the hole and put your socks on anyway? Did you at some point or another ram your foot in so hard that you created a hole? Tell me! Do you grab a pair of mismatched socks? Do you care? Do you wear them or do you scrounge around for its partner. Do own socks of the same color that you bought on various occasions. After laundering do you painstakingly match up the pairs or do you just dump them in a drawer and end up wearing one very old sock and one fairly new sock? Are you color blind? Tell me! Do you have trouble differentiating between black and navy blue socks? Hopefully, your boss does too.
Most everyone is familiar with those 250 wooden matches boxes. O.K. Please tell me, when you slide the box to obtain a match do all the matches fall out because the box was upside down? Were you in a hurry? You should know by now that both sides of the box look exactly alike and to test the sleeve before you pull on it. Tell me, do you pickup the matches and just throw them back in the box and then keep slamming the sleeve till all the matches stay in the box. Are you a match box shaker? Maybe you’re like me and simply line up the matches in the box properly, all facing the correct way. At this point in my life I’m happy to place the matches in one direction, without worrying which way the heads face. Perhaps you’re lucky and the box only had a few matches left. Tell me! How many of you can hardly wait to finish the matches so you can use the box for nails?
Just wondering; is it the year 2012AD ? I thought so, so why do people say that the sun travels across the sky still? I ‘m pretty certain that it’s the Earth that spins and the sun is stationary, or is it?
Please tell me! Have you in your life time ever tried to kick a ball and landed flat on your fanny? Have you ever tried to kick anything and landed flat on your behind? Ha! Ha!
Tell me! Have you ever tried to pass a driver in front of you and the guy pulls out at the same time to pass the guy that’s in front of him and you actually had to go on your brakes?
Better yet, on a two lane street, you actually had to pull back in and wait for oncomming traffic to go by?
Tell me! Are you one of those people who plan their funeral or do you wait for your “loved ones” to plan and pay after you kick the bucket. I was just wondering the other day if it would be feasable to get a fat lady to sing at my funeral. I’ve been told that it’s not over till the fat lady sings. Tell me, are you going to go with satin or velvet lining? As for the coffin, wouldn’t it be better if one of the youngsters nailed some wood together in shop and got credit for it. The price of those boxes is incredible! What about bamboo? You think they could just tie some together and make a box? Maybe we can get wholesale, cheap labor from China type of coffins. I have a pre-plan for my funeral, but only paid for half of it so far. At this point my coffin has not been paid for and I chose the cheapest, aside from cardboard and plywood. I’m going with PECAN. I figure, since they think I’m a nut, might as well get buried in a nut box! Tell me, what about you? I’m going to choose a closed coffin. People have had enough time to look at me, why now? This way I can go with no embalment and decay more efficiently. Besides, when people smell me, they won’t use me. Then there’s the head stone. I for sure can’t afford one, not even a cheap one and the living won’t bother-WHY WASTE MONEY!?-WHO CARES!? I thought about scratching my name on a rock and planting it on my plot(which is paid for), but then the excavators will simply think it’s an ordinary stone. How about you? Tell me, are you going to plant a head stone before you croak? Funerals are simply whacked out business. How dare they defy G-d with those prices!!
DROP DEAD ZONE
Tell me, do you ‘drop dead’ regularly? Please tell me what your reasons are. Is it out of sheer ecstacy? Do you ‘drop dead’ from dissappointment? Maybe you’re one of the regulars and ‘drop dead’ from shock. Tell me, have you ever “dropped dead” from overjoy?
Please tell me, why is it that some men when they see an old buddy they haven’t seen in awhile slam them on the back and shout, “You old dog!”?
I was just wondering the other day why does merchandising call toilet paper bath tissue? I use a towel to dry off. Why not asswipes?
SOCKS AND UNDERWEAR
Just wondering, why do people smell their socks and underwear? I do the same thing, though not often. You’ll pick up the pair of socks you wore yesterday and smell them. Do you really want to wear socks you wore all day yesterday? You really think they won’t smell so you can wear them again. And underwear? Why is it that when you take your underwear off you smell them? Has someone told you you stink? Are you just checking to make sure you haven’t offended someone that day? Maybe you just have an innert desire to smell your genitals. It’s that canine envy; dogs can smell their own butts, but you can’t, so you’ll smell your underwear. You know you’ll put on a fresh pair after you bathe, but they’re in your hands before you step into the shower, so might as well smell them anyway. What a thrill! This is very personal activity. No one else will want to smell your underwear, unless of course you have a perverted boyfriend, and then it’s only because he gets off on it, not because he wants to smell them. How about pant crotch? Do you smell your pant crotches to check and see if it’s time to launder them? You’ve been wearing these everyday for a week now, so maybe, just maybe they have crotch stench. Please tell me, how often do you check your clothing for stench? You an actually extend your wearing time if the odor isn’t too bad by spraying Lysol on the crotch area. Then again, why not spray the crotch directly. I do.
Tell me, have you ever put tomatoe sauce in the microwave and when you take it out it has turned ebony black around the edges? I would call this Nuke Black. Those frozen dinners have timing on the package, but how are we supposed to take the time to figure out exactly how long it needs to cook? Do YOU take the time? I just stare at the instructions for a few seconds and slam it in the microwave. Tell me, do you just put the tray in and hope for the best? Are you one of those that doesn’t even bother to take the meal out of the box? We are buying these easydo meals to save us time. Just wondering, what is your approach? I will admit, I kind of like the taste of black tomatoe sauce.
Please tell me Mr. Brokaw, just wondering, when you wish to notify the black birds in the neighborhood, do you gather your fellow crows and ask for a “bro-caw”.
Please tell me, do you spray- yawn sometimes? Are you reading and suddenly you yawn and little dots appear on the page? Does the spray cascade out of your yawn or is it a surprise when you look back down at the page? If you are not alone, do you look around to see if anyone was watching? Do you wipe it off or just leave it on the page as is? Tell me, are you one of those concerned bacterial freaks and get all upset about it? Do you sweep your sleeve over it and end up smearing the dots across the page? Why not take a tissue and dab the dots. As for me, I just leave them there. They’ll dry.
Just wondering, when you use a public restroom and there is no toilet paper, what do you use? Don’t tell me, you use your finger! EWW!! Please tell me, what are the options? Do you quickly check your mini-luggage to see if you have tissues or a stray McDonald’s napkin? Do you check your pockets? Nothing! NOW WHAT!? Do you pinch your loaf and wait for the next facility? Do you hope and pray it’s a clean cut and the stripe on your underwear will be minimal? Do you use your underwear and not wear any and then go to a Walgreen’s for a fresh pair or do you just wait to get home? Are you wearing socks? Perhaps, a tie? Why not use your shirt tail? These options are critical when there are no paper towels, only hot air dryers. Remember to walk naturally when you leave the premises. Please tell me you don’t use your fingers: that is so mesazoic!
Tell me, please, do you have a favorite “VIVA”? We all get so excited sometimes and get caught up in the moment. I’ve been kind of partial to “Viva La France!” usually over some gastronomic new dish. We even have paper towels named “Viva”. Unfortunately, the USA uses “Long Live” so we get cut out from the Viva. It’s a great consolation to know that the French who like us will say “Viva L’Amerique”. Just wondering, do you use “Viva”? Viva Italia!!
Tell me, have you ever gone walking and your eye catches a rock? Do you walk by the rock and then come to a standstill, turn around, and go back to pick up the rock? You now have a pet rock. Just wondering how you take care of this rock? Do you take it home and scrub it? What size is this rock? Is it pocket size, desk size? Maybe it’s a planter rock. Plants love having rock companions. Don’t you hear your plants screaming? Rocks are great! Tell me, do you have a pet rock? Does the rock snuggle up to you? Does it make snide remarks? They do have different personalities. Just wondering if you’ve experienced what I’ve experienced with rocks? I love rocks!!
Tell me, have you ever hoisted a sack of laundry over your shoulder only to find that it slipped from your grasp and was now on the floor behind you?
Please tell me, how is your relationship with your brain? I was just wondering, because when I checked today my brain is not in good with me. How ’bout you?
Just wondering, does your soap ever fall down the drain when it gets tiny? I still use bar soap – it’s way cheaper than the pump stough. I have a pump that’s 20 years old. I put diluted dish washing liquid or laundry detergent in it and dilute with water. My guests can’t tell the difference. Tell me, when was the last time you soaped your feet up with bar soap? Don’t you miss dropping the soap in the shower? I keep my soap on a sponge and then use the sponge to rinse the sink and tub, savings all the way. Just wondering, don’t you miss the soap commercials. Remember the guy that had a handy pen knife and simply sliced his Irish Spring?
You know how they write on the prescription vials “TAKE 1 TABLET BY MOUTH EVERY DAY AS NEEDED”. What do they think, that I’ll stick the pill up my “A” or in my ears or up my nose? You mean to tell me that people have actually done that and now the pharmacies are forced to test our intelligence?
Please tell me, do you have trouble with spelling certain words? No matter how often you look up the spelling of “that” word you never remember how to spell it when it comes up again. Each time you curse softly and look it up in the dictionary again. With a sinking feeling you know you’ll forget it again no matter how hard you look at it.
I’m just wondering if you sit around in the morning waiting for your bowel movement? Why don’t you get up and exercise and speed up the process. Are you like me? Do you sit there reading the morning paper with your coffee or tea and pause once in awhile in your head wondering if the load is ready yet. Do you fleetingly think of your previous days meals? Are you dreading the possibility that you’ll have to unload at work? Nothing worse! You make yourself another cup of warm beverage and head for the bathroom, hoping that by the time you showered, it will be ready? Do you squeeze your butt extra in the shower or bathtub to encourage your bottom to produce it’s bounty? I’ll tell you, you have my sympathies if you are constipated. But please tell me, have you ever had a wet fart? Do hope you have a fresh pair of underwear handy or at least cover the spot with tissue paper till you can take care of the problem. You can rinse the underwear, but the stain won’t come out till the spotted hose are laundered. How embarrassing if you’re using a public hand drier to blow- dry your spotted underwear. Well, thanks for sharing with me.
What happens when the doctor is as fat as the patient and the doctor insists that the patient must loose weight? What does the patient say?! Challenge the doctor for his fee and have a contest on who can loose the most weight in a week. If you win he pays you the insurance money or doesn’t charge anything for the visit.
Please tell me, just wondering, did you race your tricycle in the basement with your siblings?
Please tell me, just wondering, if you know you annoy someone, do you go back and annoy them some more, just to get on their nerves?
I was just wondering, are there any towns or villages in the United States named after body parts?
I was just wondering, did you ever NOT spend $$$ on something you need so you could spend the $$$ on something else? Now, don’t tell me, joyful frustration!!
STANDING HEADS/SITTING BULL
When was the last time you stood on your head and viewed the environment?
I was just wondering, have you ever watched a bird dive bomb off a branch or a building? Do you have a lawn? trees? Don’t forget to complement them on style. Soon you’ll be able to make comparisons.
I’m just wondering, do ever plan a great week-end of chores and end up doing nothing because there was too much to do?
1) I’m just wondering, do you ever wake up in the morning and say “F___” when you look at the clock?
2) Do you ever jump out of the car without detaching your seat belt?
3) Have you ever left your residence without putting your shoes on?
I was wondering the other day; how many of you slam your toilet seat down because you’re “mad” at something.
SEARCHING FOR FOOD
Please tell me; have you ever plated your meal and then got sidetracked and then started looking all over for it and were convinced someone had taken the plate and then eventually found it in the microwave and remembered you put it in there to get heated up?
WHAT’S YOUR SIGN
I was just wondering, do you get accosted for doing things? Are you the type of person who holds up the STOP sign? I’m more prone to hold up the YIELD sign. Then there are those menopause days when the CAUTION sign goes up. What if you have a working weekend doing stuff around the house? Well, naturally you’ll want to put the MEN AT WORK sign up. So, tell me, do you use signs? Maybe you should. -BUMP AHEAD?
I was just wondering, do you wake up at night and start feeling around on the night stand for something? You start knocking stuff off, right? and you still don’t turn the light on. Finally, when you’ve practically knocked everything off or felt your way across the entire surface ten times, you finally turn the light on.
Are you in the habit of hitting people or punching them when they make a comment or do something? I was just wondering did you watch “Punch and Judy” on TV when you were young?
I was just wondering if the same thing happens to you. This particular problem gets me screaming silently. Tell me… Does your water spout shoot out urine when you sneeze? Now this doesn’t happen every time, but on a full bladder……
Do you wake up in a fairly decent mood some days and then meet the most annoying people? I was just wondering do people ever tell you you’re in a bad mood and you’re not, but then finally you’re in a bad mood?
As an aside I was just wondering if ballerinas and theatre stars accidentally fart when they bow during curtain call.